the lone cry of a madman
a swig of the irish
the psychedelic haze of colours
a merger of souls
a startling transformation

beauty in revelation

deceptive

never realised how strange it was and how difficult doing mental sums was again. i have no doubt that PSC will NOT be knocking on my door eagerly offering me a scholarship. the cognitive tests that we had today was semi-nightmarish, the personality ones were a lot easier to handle. way easier at any rate, in comparison. whatever. shelved aside to haunt me another day when they send us the reports. went out for a while with Sonya and got some presents for friends. she put milk on me. it was the body shop's milk hand lotion, somehow the smell still lingers on my hands.

i want to do a photo. it doesn't have to be me, but i want to create a photo that's stylish, asethetically pleasing and just plain beautiful, it has to do with the mood, the tone and the atmosphere. well now at least i know it can't be of me. haha. the most beautiful photo that i have is that of me and JT and a merlot'02. it's beautiful because of the setting, the stormy texture of the sky, not yet going to rain but dark, the contrast with the dark blood like colour of the wine. i know i was surprised at how it turned out because there was such a dark quality to the whole picture, those semi-smiles of ours that for JT bordered on a smirk and the intensity of our gazes at the camera. i never took such a photo before and i don't think i ever will again. there was just something about that day.

and there was another one. where the beautiful fluid motion of my fingers danced across the white and black keys of the piano. it was the motion that was beautiful. there are just some photos that come out so well (perhaps cos it was only my fingers).

but i don't look very nice in other photos. sighs.

Happy Birthday to Quek!

Hockey finals for both girls and guys. You guys played well! Girls are champion and the guys are our VJ champions =) second but first in our hearts, same as soccer as well as every other sport. they really played a great game,-- both teams. Fariza scored the goal, and Marianne was great too.

Really love the VJ spirit.

Liverpool are Europe's champions. Mr Seet danced for me again. i would have loved seeing Chelsea win but i'm more neutral in the Milan and Liverpool match. Dad was happy. 3-0 to 3-3 with Liverpool lagging than fighting back. resulted in penalties.

Mr Seet must be super happy today. Hockey girls champion AND European championship.

i love being inspired, appreciated, loved and understood. so you guys now know what i value and what works for me. alot of who i am stems from my character and personality and IS who i am. i know i can be pretty short tempered/impatient and lose my cool quite often... well, sometimes it's stress, most of the time is sheer impatience/annoyance at possibly--humanity's insipid stupidity (that's not really a dig when you think about all the little things that irritate you and me so often; i have low tolerance for little irritating things--sorry). it's my character and i can only hope that people understand me and understand why i sometimes react the way i do. and perhaps i'm more competitive than others, and yes, i have a goal, an aim and a dream that bonders on the impossible. so i'll do everything to achieve my dreams. i'll try not to be so competitive but no matter what, i'll never stop trying my best... and reaching for the stars. (no matter how negative i may sound sometimes yeah) <3 =)

"It was like a bad replay of the FA cup. And we weren't the Gunners."

tied at one. injury time. penalty shoot out. sudden death.
infer.

nonetheless, i do believe our VJ soccer guys deserve an enormous round of applause. the sudden flash of pain, the dryness in the throat, and the slight tearing of the eyes... i wonder if you felt the same way. you know me-- and my passion for soccer.

AC Milan Vs Liverpool.

meeps. as yesterday was a battle of the reds, Arsenal Vs Man U, of which Arsenal won 5-4 on penalties, hooray, i like Arsenal after Chelsea, i shall remind the world about CHELSEA. english soccer seems to have disappeared from the scene after that though. the one last thing of the season would be the champions league match on thursday between AC Milan and Liverpool. *sighs* i would be so much happier if it was Chelsea in the finals. did i mention i love Lampard? *swoons*

so coming to that, was talking to Wee Min about what present she would get me if my birthday was the next day and i had to tell her immediately. my new list would include a Chelsea FC jersey, i wouldn't mind if it was the black ones or the blue ones. those things are really expensive. when i first got into soccer and wasn't sure of a team to support, i was horrified by the price. now i'm not so horrified considering everything in this world costs a bomb. did i mention i want to go shopping for new clothes? and if you're wondering what i want for a birthday present, which is haha funny cos my birthday's in august, you can ask me or just read my blog.

i want to eat sushi! and lots of other things now that i'm getting well. and ice cream. and watch lots of movies and vcds. and get a purple lightsabar. and fly.

replying to Sonya's mail and reading YY's blog has made me realise that i haven't given Star Wars:ROTS the adequate praise and treatment it deserves. it's true, it's a great show with a great cast, ie good looking guys, but i still felt that there were some parts which were kinda weak. like when anakin chooses the dark side, when he suddenly wants to kill Padme (though i suppose that's how jealousy works) and the poor thing he becomes when he gets fried to an almost crisp. stupid Darth Sidious. it's all his fault! and the jedi council should have shared information with anakin instead of making him all moody and wary of them. haha, loved the contrast the characters' lines made with the US government and war. anyway, i'm off.

i'm on the slow road to recovery, where my voice now would sound terrific on a really good looking guy. i could sense the intensity of the rant and rave of the previous post and well, sometimes it's good to get it out of your system.

went to watch star wars today. i think it was nice. but it was somehow sad, because there was a point where i was thinking "hey, good would win! anakin can be saved!" but then i remember that there's still episodes 4-6 where he becomes gross looking, and breathes like when i get sick and wheeze. ewan mcgregor is so cool! not too bad, since it's sort of a wrapping up of the story. but i still like return of the jedi the best.

my 16pf report, which was the personality thing that we did, told me that at the point i was doing it, i was unusually stressed and perhaps that was due to me not achieving my expectations and blah blah. and until now, i can truthfully say i haven't achieved my expectations, and i haven't felt that sense of achievement of anything in a long while. it's become a stasis-like feeling and that feeling of inadequacy that the report picked up is still there, albeit less. i don't understand why i have to place my hopes so high and yet achieve close to nothing. meaningless. i constantly feel surronded by people smarter than me yet put themselves down. that's the worse, i feel that they actually can achieve more than they say they can, yet while trying to be modest and humble , they put themselves down. let me tell you, i'm not those kind of people. perhaps you may see me as similar, that i just refuse to acknowledge that i'm smart and stuff, but it's true. i struggle through school, and even a simple math question can make me feel as though my brain is exploding. when i do do something great, trust me, you'll be the first to know, because i simply can't resist telling the whole world.

i know now the true nature of those who profess to care but don't. sometimes things are so transparent but those people need things to be spelled out for them. i won't be taken in anymore. i don't think it takes much for someone to care, so why wait until the last minute before you come and offer those words of sympathy--that isn't even there? it's simply too late. no no, nothing to do with my good friends...

enough of this. i don't have much to say because i'm quite disappointed in some people. and worse, i don't like being confused. even that sense of freedom that i want so badly now seems restrictive. i feel like telling people what to do, i think i like it though i know it definitely isn't a good way of gaining fans. assertive leadership? haha, now that's a positive way of looking at it.

news: Tom won Survivor! hooray! Arsenal-Man U FA cup match, must watch! what else. long weekend, wonderful! i wanna watch Lampard play again... hopefully soccer finals! half days! i want my shopping trips. i think i should get a new watch, perhaps "citizen" brand? like the guess ones too. and yes, i like that pair of sunglassess from hugo boss and armani! and yes, i'm still waiting for YY to bring me to that chocolate buffet! miss you guys.

no, i may sound like i have a split personality but i don't. it just happens that there's bad stuff and then there's good stuff.

i want to stay at home forever. totally forget about the thing called school. yes, i have failed my econs! twice in a row! i really really hate macro. and econs and lit and almost everything else for that matter. i've been hacking out my lungs, beating my chest to get rid of the pain, and struggling to type with the same speed as i used to before i got sick and i'm just getting more and more irritated. my fingers shake and get hot at the tips. i can barely walk straight and my brain can't process more than a few words at one time. and to think that the doctor said i would be well by tomorrow. i doubt the accuracy of the statement.

i'm not happy anymore. i don't want to be happy anymore. i want to rave and rant at my insipid self and stupidity. oh, i'm very very sure that'll make me feel better. this week started on a bad note and for sure it'll end on a bad note. i'm not lucky nor do i feel optimistic at this point of time to scream "tomorrow will be better!" and yes, my voice is very very nice now. even my throbbing head wants to scream "get off the computer and screw the S paper presentation, pon school again because your fever's coming back!" but no, it's 830 pm and i have to exercise my brain and think.

if i spend the next one and a half weeks staring at you with a blank look, i'm obviously not in school. my mind has gone on vacation, hopefully to a better place that isn't plagued by unhappiness, sickness, and all things associated with school and homework and exams. and while we're at it, just because i do my work and hand it up on time doesn't make me a mugger. it just serves to show that i'm too stupid and if i don't work hard, i'll fail even more than i already am.

if you couldn't tell, i am annoyed. yes, partly because i'm sick.

this should be titled "because i feel like crap"

yes, i feel like crap for the first time in a long while. i should say a week of me feeling semi okay and not at all like crap should be called a long while. why? because i have a sore throat and a slight fever, realised that i'm so screwed for lit because my lit grade has definitely not been my friend and i fail to understand the basic graspiness of lit (yes, i think that's a made up word!), had no clue and no emotion when i handed in my econs mcq test... and yes, my head just keeps getting hotter and hotter. and the paranoia that i'll fall gravely ill, as always with visions of me lying dazed in bed for more than 3 days, flashes across my mind. i should be like normal chlidren who don't suffer so much when they fall sick. but no... i come complete with asthmatic cough, and very very high fever.

yes, did i mention that this was a crappy day? i'm not sure if i want to be alone or get someone to sympathize with my plight because this sore throat is killing me! and well, sorry if this seems like a sad and crappy post because too bad, i'm feeling terrible. being sick sucks. i have no energy.

when i feel better, i'll post about happier things like weddings (Rob and Amber's!) and winning a million dollars in a game called survivor (i hope Tom wins!) and about Glazer taking over Man U. actually, it's pretty much making me happier already. i shall be optimistic and say that it'll be over by wed with no fever! gah, i hope no one thinks i've got a split personality that alternates dramatically between the happy happy and the sad thingy.

good thing: passed my Napfa with a Silver! my first ever.

bad thing: Anthony's out of American Idol! wah. he actually sang quite well yesterday.

good thing: no homework

bad thing: must study for Econs MCQ test over the weekend which has become non-existent for me

good thing: no history tutorial today.

bad thing: Rob and Amber didn't win the amazing race... but never mind. i still like them!

shocking thing: Arsenal beat Everton 7-0. is that still considered a football score?

that basically sums up everything that i wanna say. i'm not really sure what else to say. except you miss a lot when you miss me from a distance! feel like going to Swenson or some more high class place that doesn't burn a hole in my wallet and talk with friends. hmm... when are you people free?

yes, been having weird weird dreams lately. why can't i get real sleep??? i think i'm thinking too much. like if i talk about something in the day, it'll come up in my dreams. very very weird. haha, somehow there's this urge to dance on the ceiling. Don't know where it's coming from. i think there's something wrong with me cos i'm hmm... rather relaxed and... not stressed. weird. this seems to be like a happy postie too! what's wrong with me?? haha. love Anthony and Constantine...

somehow everything changes yet it stays the same. hmm... June. had NYDC with her and it was... nice. not just the food i mean. she's still ahem. forgetful... and it's so fun suaning her! of course i get suaned back but it's fun. had a really good day today. we shared a mudpie and then when we ate it until almost the last bit, it looked like it was going to fall and i said: oh no, it fell. and i said this in this act cute voice, according to her, that she just stopped and stared. haha. i'm still taller than her! :P

my source based Austrian question got 21! happy cos it was my first try but i should have tried to aim for level 6 a wee bit harder. may not attempt it in the exams though cos i think it's really hard and if i really can't do it, Sayers said i had a competent level 5 technique so i don't want to waste exam time doing level 6 if i can't master it by then. anyhow, no worries yet.

you know those taiwan dramas where the person who's hurt and sad can cry on cue and it's one solitary tear trailing down their cheek? haha, i can do that too! oops, better not tell people i can do that because they won't think i'm really hurt when i do that. they'll think i did it on purpose! don't like to cry on purpose.

dad really doesn't want me to have cable! he poked me. he said i was pouting. i said i was whining. then he said he didn't want to be tempted too. why can't more girls like football then i can go over to their house to stay over and watch! how can Mourinho say he wants a holiday first... he should train and train his players! okay, well, he deserves that holiday i guess. ]

eh... this post has a rather happy bouncy kind of feel to it. YY likes to say *bouncy bouncy* i miss her! Sonya says she misses me from a distance. meanie. man, this post is really really not my style. oh well, enjoy this happy postie then!

i did my famous procastination thing again. with this alarm thing in handphones that allow you to program when exactly, to the minute, you wish to wake up and begin your work, it has further allowed me to laze around. i can say that i want to have a 30 min nap that ends at 2.30 and then wake up at that time and change the alarm to 15 mins later and then 15 mins later and you know how it goes, quarterly... until you realize that it's 4 plus going to 5 and you really have to get up.

amazingly... who wouldn't want to wake up to get started on your M for M essay? certainly not me. i hadn't even began to write the paper and hand it in when the fear of it being torn to shreds by Harris crept up on me. paralysing fear that pumped the blood and dried the throat. everytime i write an essay, i don't get my hopes up that i've done a good job because it kills all the more to see scribbles of colourful ink pointing out the mistakes i've made or observations i've failed to put in. but i did it. i did it because i didn't have the luxury of time to do so on monday or put it off for a while.

mother's day. we couldn't go out for dinner because my sister's prepping for her history exam come monday so my dad brought home sushi and sashimi. he said that we didn't have to throw away the extra wasabi because he could buy somemore sushi next week and then we won't have to buy more wasabi. my mum commented that our family was programmed to think of food all the time. at least we didn't get her mad this year.

not sure what the plan will be for me on monday, which is tomorrow, but hopefully it'll be a confirmed thing with June. i messaged her on thursday and she said we should go out some day. i messaged a "when you're free" uncommitted response because i didn't want to seem as though i was forcing her. so for the record, she asked me. haha, okay, i know, it isn't important, the important thing is that some friendships never end.

there doesn't seem to be a huge big thing in my life right now (except the As but we're not really going to think about that) and it's been relatively worry- free. which is worrying. haha. Chelsea won Charlton... very lucky that with a 90th minute goal. as for the Arsenal Vs Liverpool match, well, we'll have to see. if only i had CABLE. my very very unsubtle hinting has come to nought. my mum refuses to pay for anything that would fuel my football addiction. people have already expressed their surprise that gasp... a girl enjoys football! yes! i play street soccer too you know! i like it best when it's raining because it's muddy and dirty. and i'm not being sarcastic.

need retail therapy. my retail therapy means really buying something. anyway, does anyone know where i can get black jeans? been trying to get a pair. please tell me!!!

passed my NAPFA 2.4 with 16.23 mins! that's the bestest best time that i've ever had. almost wanted to stop because my back muscles were just killing me but i guess it went okay because the PE teachers were screaming at us to pick up the pace and swing your arms frantically in a last minute attempt to ensure no failures. and the funniest thing is that my legs didn't ache after that, it was my hands that couldn't stop trembling. thank the Lord for the willpower that he's given me. now if only i can get the 5 items...

just so exhausted today even though i had a great sleep last night. 2 tests, though open book, rarely makes a person's day. somehow my interpretation of the Ariel question seems so different from the rest of my classmates. there was something to be said about going home after school, with great cooling weather and just falling asleep. ended up not doing anything today, not going out or going back for guides because there was no guides and it was a last minute thing so by the time i knew, it was too late to make plans. anyway, it's not like i have a lot of time now since i've got to practice my piano...

i don't know what's the matter with me and the whole situation suddenly seems so fickle at some point of time so i'm trying to look beyond that and not stay in a stasis of seeming darkness...

this post was supposedly dedicated to how i'm so going to fail my NAPFA with not even a bronze but i've decided that i shouldn't be so negative even though i know it's hard to be positive. :) instead...

oh my god! i woke up at 2.30 ready to see Liverpool whipped by Chelsea in the semis of the Champions League. instead, the sense of euphoria of them securing the Premiership title gave way to sad disappointment when they failed to even score a goal. gudjohnsen came extremely close to scoring a goal in the last few minutes. felt so sad that Chelsea lost and fell into an uneasy sleep that consisted of a dream (bad?) with Lampard and Terry. and yes, Mourinho was there too. but there are still my team. and wait for this...

switched on the radio, 98.7 heard: Liverpool 1 Chelsea 0. 93.8 heard: in the champions league... blah blah blah. went to school, Wee Chin: Chelsea lost. (said with glee on his face?) Jian Yong came to school and took one look at Wee Chin and said: Shut Up. Keith came to school and just started laughing. at one point, Jian Yong's face was so red i thought he was going to cry but i think he was just tired. haha. and this is the best part!

Mr Seet, famed for supporting Liverpool, stood at the second floor of the canteen block where the SC and ODAC room are and was waving around a RED coloured Liverpool jersey. and when he saw me and Jian Yong, he SMILED all the more. and during assembly, cos our class was sitting near the doors, he was walking around with that red thing and when he saw me, he just stood there and did a semi victory dance with that red jersey. and when i covered my face and motioned him to go away, he laughed and told another teacher that i was a Chelsea fan. he just couldn't stop smiling. then i think he went to find Jian Yong to do the same thing. humiliation. but nevermind, i still think Chelsea and Mourinho rock my socks.

sad sad day. plus, i've got lots of work. *gloom* when i was a Chelsea fan but not really super into football, i doubt it'll affect me to this extent. but everything changed when Chelsea had Mourinho. my sister likes Mourinho. she doesn't even know like more than 3 names of the players.

CHELSEA HAS THE PREMIERSHIP CUP. *jumps aroudn hooting and screaming for joy* finally, after supporting them for 5 years!

my 2 shephards, Eugenia and Clara, plus Esther Leong and Pui Yee have gone on that Lahu mission trip... oh, will miss them so much! haha, cos will miss teasing them, especially Esther. when she comes back, the next time we're seeing her, we're all going to wear pink because she doesn't like the colour. haha, i really hope that they're having the best experience and that they'll be safe!

powerhouse was really good... though sometimes i feel that my prayer life may be a little lacking in that department. it's a great way to be closer with the Lord i guess. anyway, after third service on sunday, i asked Desmond, who plays lead guitar for worship, if he had any score sheets for the music and he passed me one, which was really really nice of him. he definitely didn't have to do that! and it's actually quite easy to read, even with 4 sharps... i think my sight reading is improving already! and i realised that with all the !!!! i'm becoming like Quek... she's always giving !!!! in her SMS-es. heehee!!! and that somehow seemed a little retarded coming from me.

was just wondering how come guys can't just go out and say what they're thinking instead of letting us go and do the guessing. we're not guys, how would we know what you're feeling when you're trying to be all macho and strong? it ain't weak to let people know you're feeling like crap sometimes ya? haha, i guess i was watching Love at Dolphin Bay, and i just felt that all the problems would be solved if people were just more frank with each other. haha.

i realised that contrary to popular belief, it really is very very possible to fall in love with someone who doesn't fit your mode of that dream guy, be it in looks or in character. no one's perfect but they become perfect when you fall in love with them. aww... that's so sweet... and i really have to stop this because the sugary high of that brownie i just ate is wearing off and i don't want to be extremely mollified by what i've written when it actually does wear off.

SMILE!!!